Oh My God!

Oh, my God!

Why do we make a mockery of Your name?

Why do we esteem You lightly?

Where is our reverence?

Looking Back

As you may know, I am at Bible College. I have been here about three weeks now (two weeks of actual school) and I love it! How did I get here? It was a long process. I had been praying about Bible College and going through the process of application since December. That was eight months of people asking me, “What are you doing? Where are you going? Have you gotten any word?” The whole time, I had no idea. At one point I had written six pages for the application… Then my hard drive failed and erased everything. After that I was really discouraged. It took me a long time to fill it out again. Then there was a huge fiasco with getting the references I needed. One of the people I asked had just moved to Virginia with his wife and little boy to start a new ministry position. He is already a space-case but his circumstances just amplified it. After many more ridiculous obstacles which I won’t go into here, I finally turned in my application.

As soon as I did, I was presented with another option (that was a little less than half way through the summer).  I was doing an internship at La Jolla Presbyterian Church this summer. My supervisor, Eileen, had heard my story of the past two years in my application as well as bits here and there when we would have lunch. Well, Eileen doesn’t keep confidentiality very well, so she told her supervisor, the pastor of the church. She set up a lunch date for me with him (his name is Paul). So I had lunch with Paul. As we talked he listened to my story and gave me the option to go to Belize. He is on the board of an organization that works with the people of Belize. They are building a church, a school, and houses. They also work with an orphanage down there. It seems like a great ministry. Thus began my struggle with God’s will for my life. They both seemed like such great opportunities! But which one was the right one? Which one was God’s will for me? As soon as I was given the option of Belize, I began to pray. For the rest of the summer I had no idea what I was going to do. I kept praying for God to open and close doors, but both doors seemed to be wide open. It came down to just three days before Bible College was supposed to begin. I still didn’t have all the money I needed to go to Bible College, but I also didn’t have all of the information about Belize.

Then God provided a way to pay for Bible College… maybe. There was an opportunity for a scholarship from the church that I interned at. So I filled out the application. Strangely enough, the opportunity to go to Belize was presented by that same church. The process of discernment to figure out what I was doing was really difficult and crazy. I asked many people what they thought I should do. Interestingly, most of the younger people said to go to Belize. Most of the older people said to go to Bible College. In 2 Chronicles, King Rehoboam, the son of King Solomon, ascends to the throne after Solomon’s death. The people come to him and ask him to lighten the grip that his father had on them. Rehoboam says he’ll think about it and give them an answer later. He consults the elders and his father’s advisers, they tell him to lighten his grip. Then he consult his friends, they tell him to strike with an even harder grip than his father. To his ruin he listens to his friends. I thought that was very interesting.

Anyway, it is three days before Bible College starts. At this point neither door is really closed, so I have to choose. Because the information about Belize was still not available and wouldn’t be until after Bible College had already begun, I decided to go to Bible College, even though I still didn’t have the necessary funds. I felt like that was what God was pointing me to. I arrived at Bible College with no money. I had a check on its way from the Foundation for College Christian Leaders that I had been awarded earlier in the summer, but that was only enough for room and board and they require the semester tuition in full at the beginning of the semester. They let me stay for the first week trusting my word that funds were coming. I soon learned that the church had decided to fund my tuition for the year (praise God!) Eventually the check from the foundation came in and everything was settled.

Looking back, I realize a few things. I got the call or burden to go to Bible College back in December during winter break. I had gone through a lot to apply. Would God have put that on my heart if He didn’t intend to carry it through? I don’t know. There have been times that I thought I was going one place and I wound up somewhere completely different. However, many times when God puts something on your heart, and you commit to it, immediately something seemingly just as good, if not better pops up. Going to Belize would have been amazing! It is a great thing they are doing there. I don’t know if it would have been wrong to go. But I know this, the option distracted me and led me away from what God had purposed. Since I have been at Bible College, God has confirmed my decision to go several times. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be for this season of my life and I do not doubt that if God wants me to go to Belize some day, He’ll make a way.

I could write just as much about my experiences at Bible College thus far. I’ve only been in class for two weeks, but I have learned sooooo much! But that will have to wait for another time.

Return To Your First Love

Hello Everyone!

It’s been  a little while since I have posted anything. But here I am. Man, it’s been a wild journey these past couple weeks. So much has happened! In three weeks I finished my internship with La Jolla Presbyterian Church, met a possessed man named Joshua who God delivered, decided between going to Belize and Bible College, moved to a new city, and started school.

I  have only been in school here at Calvary Chapel Bible College for about two weeks and I have learned so much that I am completely overwhelmed. There is so much to take in. Everyday I learn something new about God and His word. Everyday God strongly convicts me by His Spirit concerning sin, righteousness, and judgment. I am a faithless man, horrible and wretched. But God remains faithful and just and true.  He is so loving and merciful. “Who is like our God, who is enthroned on high…?”

I cannot adequately explain the turmoil inside me. So much is new, and yet, so much is old. With every new experience and every new revelation, God brings to the foreground old experiences. Just like the disciples in the gospel of Mark, Jesus is taking me back through my walk with Him, because apparently, I didn’t get the point. Jesus is God; His grace saves; it is sufficient; justification is by faith alone and not by works.

I am a very critical person. And the one that I am most critical of is myself. I always beat myself up when I make a mistake; I condemn myself and it usually leads me to a struggle to believe that God loves me. Now, God is bringing me back to the foundations of my relationship with Him: His grace and His love. I have been doing a lot of study in the book of Genesis. In Genesis, everything has its beginning; the fall of man and the beginning of God’s redemptive story. In my studies so far, God has spoken many things, but one thing that stood out pretty clearly, was this: “Return to your First Love.”

I am trying Jesus…

Grappling With Grace

Sometimes I think that Daddy God chose the wrong little boy to adopt. I am a horrible child. He tells me not to do something and I do it; over and over again I disobey. I never learn the lessons that He tries to teach me. I don’t mature. He attempts to feed me solid food but I won’t learn to chew. I only drink milk. I run away from Him when He calls to me. I roll around in the dirt and become a filthy mess. But Daddy always comes and cleans me up. He has washed me clean so many times, yet I just go and do it again… My Father has adopted a fool.

“For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

- Luke 7:47

I’ve been forgiven much; I love little…

I grapple often with the concept of grace. The love that God has for us is far too pure and good. I am completely undeserving and yet, His grace is abundant. Why? Of course, I always end up losing in the battle against grace, because there is no other way that I could come to God. If grace did not exist I would be a cursed man. But, “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us — for it is written, ‘Cursed is every one who hangs on a tree’ –” (Galatians 3:13).

Grace always wins.

Again

I stumble, I fall

Again, again

Can’t give You my all

Again, again

I hammer, I pound

Again, again

My knees to the ground

Again, again

You suffer, You shed

Again, again

I cry out, You bled

Again, again

Forgiven my sin…

Again

“What’s On Your Mind?”

Lately I have been posting short passages of scripture as my status for Facebook. The passages are verses that stick out to me when I read the Word. After a couple of days of doing it I kind of felt ridiculous, like I was some weird, crazy, fanatic, pious religious guy trying to evangelize on Facebook. I almost thought of stopping, but the status box says, “What’s on your mind?” And those passages were definitely on my mind. So I decided to do it anyway and forget about what people might think of me or even what I thought of myself. Then, today a girl who I know from my internship came up to me at church and told me that every time I posted a passage of scripture, it spoke directly into what was going on with her that day or week. I was completely blown away! God uses small, silly stuff like a Facebook status to reach people and glorify His name!

I also wanted to praise You God! You answer prayer! It is amazing what You do! Your goodness overflows. It is You who save and not us. You don’t need us, but You love us too much to leave behind. You are mighty to save and I bless Your name. Thank You Jesus. May You be glorified. Lord, teach me how to love You. Teach me to pray and to praise You that I may better serve You and glorify Your name. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Always Faithful

(I apologize in advance for bad grammar, sentence fluency, and organization. These are just my thoughts and experiences written down as they come; usually that means very choppy and sometimes hard to understand.)

I am working as an intern at a church this summer working with high school students. This last week we went on a houseboat trip to Lake Shasta in northern California. I went on the trip thinking that it would be a great time for me to read the Bible, pray, relax, catch up on some summer reading; I thought that it would be a great time for spiritual recharge. But it ended up being quite different than I expected. To be honest, my original thoughts and expectations were incredibly selfish. I thought more about my self than about the kids. I wanted to have my time with God, and if some stuff happened with the kids, maybe a spiritual talk here or there, that would be an added bonus. But God had different plans.

Nothing happened as I expected. Though I tried to find time by myself, it was incredibly difficult. Cramped on a boat with fifteen high school kids, I could hardly find a moment to myself! Even at night before bed, kids would stay up so late, talking so loud, that I couldn’t even concentrate when I tried to pray silently, hidden in my sleeping bag. Whenever I tried to read the Bible, kids would accumulate around me and begin conversations and ask me questions such that I was completely unable to concentrate. Whenever I tried to ask kids searching questions I only got short, empty answers. I felt like I constantly ran into a wall.

When I started the internship this summer I immediately noticed a distinct difference between working with college kids and working with high school kids. For some reason, though college freshmen and high school students aren’t too different in age, they are completely different to interact with. College kids talk about everything and anything. They are trying to figure out life and what they believe and are exploring new things. High school students are still sheltered, living at home, and really don’t realize that there is a world out there. The whole week during the trip I never once had a spiritual conversation and that was what the trip was supposed to be about! Some of that was my fault. Looking back, I suppose I could have poked and prodded kids more, but I feel like I would have pushed buttons and ended up turning them away from Christ rather than drawing them nearer to Him.

So basically the whole week all I did was live life with them. I hung out, swam, banana boated, dove off the boat, talked, played games, shared meals. We simply lived together.

The last night we had a time of affirmation and the staff of the boat affirmed me that during the week it was hard to distinguish me as a leader because I spent so much time with the kids. At first, I wasn’t sure what to think about that. But it was completely true. The whole trip I was always with them. On the twelve-hour van ride there and the twelve-hour van ride back I was in the back of the van with the kids, playing games and talking. I was with them every moment on the boat; every meal, adventure, dive, conversation, dance party, I was there.

Now we’ve been back for a day, and as I sit and reflect I wonder, what work did I do for the kingdom? Looking at my goals and what I thought the trip would look like, it was a complete failure. Looking at my interactions with the kids, it would seem that, in fact, I did absolutely nothing for the kingdom! But God reminded me that not everything we do is seen. I have no idea what fruit will come from the time I gave, just hanging out and living life with these kids. The whole trip I felt like it was hard to connect with God; I felt like the kids weren’t listening to the talks or to worship or to anything that we said. But despite my feelings, I have confidence that God was present, in our midst, working in their hearts.

We studied Second Timothy and one verse stood out very clearly to me, “If we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny Himself.” 2Tim. 2:13. This encouraged me. No matter how bad a servant I was, maybe not asking enough questions, maybe not persevering enough in finding alone time to read the Bible and pray; if I was faithless in these things during the trip, God was faithful with the time that I did give and the things I did do. That’s who He is! He is faithful.

A Weird Day

Do you ever have those? I have them all the time. I had the day off of work today and I did absolutely nothing. I woke up late, watched some TV, checked my email/Facebook/etc. And lazed around. Now it is 10:00pm and I am wondering where the day went. I feel pretty useless and I am thinking about all the things that I could have done or should have done… It’s kind of depressing.

Oh well! At least God still loves me!

He Is Good

“Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; For His lovingkindness is everlasting. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so…”

- Psalms 107:1-2

I never thought that I would blog, but here I am… This is going to be a short post because I don’t have much to say. I simply hope that this blog will be glorifying to God.

All Glory to Him forever! Goodnight world!